The Pattern in the Carpet Read online

  In 1989, I bought a house at Porlock Weir, which was even further west. She had parted with her car and was no longer driving, so I used to go to collect her and her little white dog for her annual holiday. I drove north from London up the A1 to her house and then on south and west to Somerset in the day. I didn’t want to stay the night with her; the house I had so loved as a child had become uninhabitable for anyone fastidious enough not to love dogs more than people. In later years, I learned to break my journey by overnighting discreetly in the neighbourhood at my favourite wayside inn, a roadhouse of which I have many good memories. She may have been surprised by how fresh and early I arrived to collect her, but if she was, she never let on. Maybe she knew I’d been lurking in the Ram Jam.

  My earliest memories of jigsaws date back to Auntie Phyl. Auntie Phyl, as she was known to all our family and to my friends, was my mother’s younger and only sister. In the village where she lived for the second half of her life, she was known as ‘Miss Bloor’, a form of address that honoured her status as schoolteacher. Homerton-trained in Cambridge, she taught small children, and she liked small children, and my sisters and I enjoyed going to stay with her during the war in her independent, semi-detached house in Dixon Crescent, Doncaster. She had been teaching in Woodfield Primary School from 1930, and would probably have remained in Doncaster, but when my grandfather fell ill just after the war she moved, as unmarried daughters did, to live with my disagreeable grandmother in Long Bennington, a village between Grantham and Newark on what was then the Great North Road, where she accepted a post in the village school. My grandfather died shortly after, in December 1947, but she stayed on to look after Grandma. After Grandma’s death she remained in Long Bennington for the rest of her active life. She is remembered in the village. ‘If you had a loose tooth, Miss Bloor would pull it out for you.’

  My grandmother was bad-tempered but her home, a small red-brick pantiled Georgian farmhouse called Bryn, was wonderful to a suburban city child, and Auntie Phyl was an excellent aunt. (Bryn means ‘hill’ in Welsh, and Long Bennington is one of the longest and flattest villages in England; the farm a few hundred yards along the road is slightly more appropriately called Valley Farm.) She taught us to peg rugs, and to sew, and to do French knitting, and to make lavender bags, and to thread bead necklaces, and to bake rock cakes and coconut fingers, and to play patience. She let us run wild in the field at the back of the house during the day, and in the evenings she played card and board games with us, or sat with us, hour after hour, as we did jigsaws on the gate-leg table in the front room. Bryn, as she grew older, became so cluttered with objects from the distant past and from more recent car boot sales that it was hard to find a clear surface, but for a jigsaw she could make room. The dark cubbyhole under the back stairs was stuffed with all manner of junk and treasures, including dozens of old jigsaws, piled up in their battered cardboard boxes. I inherited some of them, and brought them to Somerset, but they are all gone now, to their own car boot sales.

  For two or three decades, while I was an undergraduate, and then as a young mother trying to work in all the spare hours I could find, I was too busy for puzzles and games and pastimes. There wasn’t space, there wasn’t time, and in the evenings I was too tired. We sometimes played cards on family holidays, but I thought I had put childish games behind me for ever. I don’t recall that I did any jigsaws during those middle years, but maybe my memory betrays me here, for it has recently been pointed out to me by Danny Hahn that I mention jigsaws very specifically, in my novel The Millstone, which was published in 1965, and written while I was expecting my third child, Joe. Danny claims that he first read this novel in the Australian Outback by candlelight in 2007, which is odd, because that is where son Joe claims to have read it too, two decades earlier in 1987. Maybe the Australian Outback is full of old copies of The Millstone.

  It is true that there is an extended reference in the novel to this motif, as narrator Rosamund takes to jigsaws in the later stages of pregnancy, and describes them as therapeutic:

  One can, if one tries, buy extremely complicated jigsaw puzzles with a thousand interlocking pieces, and pictures by old masters, or of ships at sea, and heaven knows what: also puzzles in the shape of maps of Europe, square puzzles, circular puzzles, star-shaped puzzles, reversible puzzles, anything one can imagine in the way of puzzles…when I went to bed I would dream not of George, nor of babies locked away from me where I couldn’t feed them, nor even of childbirth, but of pieces of blue sky edged with bits of tree, or small blue irregular shapes composing the cloak of the Virgin Mary.

  There is also, I note, some attempt to contrast the ‘jigsaw puzzle mind’ of the narrator, who is writing a doctoral thesis, with the carefree, creative pretensions of her friend Lydia, who is trying to write a novel. I must have been wondering which of these characters I wanted to be.

  Many jigsaw puzzlers reveal a degree of anxiety about their hobby, fearing it reveals a neurosis that might expose them to hostile analysis. Do they do puzzles because they are lonely, like the orphaned heroine of Elizabeth Bowen’s The Death of the Heart, who dutifully works on pictures of aeroplanes given to her by an equally lonely and much older family friend? Or because they are dyslexic or autistic and no good at fireside conversation? Or because they are timid, uncreative and imitative, satisfied with reconstructing the ready-made, like would-be artists who prefer to paint by numbers? Or because they know that jigsaws are designed to waste time, and that the killing of time is, as Daniel Defoe said, the worst of murders?

  I had completely forgotten that I had written about the subject until Danny reminded me. It must be an old obsession.

  According to their chronicler Anna Funder, the ‘puzzle women’ at Nuremberg who work on the shredded security files of the East German Stasi claim that they took on this task because they have always enjoyed doing jigsaws. They say they still go home to do jigsaws in their spare time, after a grim day’s work piecing together thousands of scraps of torn paper detailing ruined lives. This, one could claim, is obsessional behaviour, but it is a useful obsession, harnessed to a higher purpose.

  Maybe I did purchase the odd jigsaw when I was in my twenties and thirties, but I think that I took to them seriously when Auntie Phyl began her annual Somerset visits, when I was in my forties and she in her seventies. Together we rediscovered the jigsaw.

  Auntie Phyl was not wholly easy to entertain on holiday. She was so used to living alone that she was slightly uncomfortable with the concept of conversation. My mother talked incessantly, but Auntie Phyl lacked small talk, and had to be encouraged. She was not interested in any of the television programmes that might have interested the rest of us, although she consented to watch the news. Once, watching images at Bryn of famine or genocide in Africa, she said to me, more in enquiry and bewilderment than with anger or resentment, ‘What are these people to us?’ At home, she occupied herself with crochet, and needlepoint, and stitching yards and yards of decorative trimming round the edges of pillowcases, and holding amorous or teasing conversations with her dog, or playing games of patience. But with us she was clearly in need of some other form of diversion. The summer days in Somerset were straightforward, for she loved an outing, a picnic, a cream tea, a visit to Ilfracombe or Minehead, a flower show, a dog show, even a tour of a church. She was surprisingly knowledgeable about churches and antiques. The evenings were more difficult, until we thought of the jigsaw.

  Why do I say ‘surprisingly’ knowledgeable? Because she set so little store by her own knowledge. Her bossy and manipulative big sister had staked her claim as the clever one and the pretty one, and Auntie Phyl always had to make do with second place. Her family tended to take her on her sister’s estimate. My mother’s attitude to her sister, both socially and intellectually, was offensively patronizing.

  Doing a jigsaw can be a solitary time killer, a way of getting quietly through life until death, an oblique confrontation with the absence of meaning, but it can also be a compan
ionable pastime. In a family group you can talk, you can work silently at your corner, you can discuss other matters, you can engage in minor spats about intrusive elbows or pieces wrongly placed. I met a man recently at a friend’s wake, a distinguished-looking man with a white moustache, who became quite fierce about his mother-in-law’s contributions to the family Christmas jigsaw; she would force pieces into the wrong place, he said, and he had to creep down in the night when she was asleep to prise them out.

  When I do jigsaws now I can hear my aunt’s urgings and admonishments, and hear the click and suck of her teeth as she concentrated on her task. She is present with me as I sit alone. She had good teeth, much better than mine, and much less expensively maintained. I have spent as much on dentistry as Martin Amis, with whose problems I have great sympathy. Auntie Phyl’s teeth, well coated and preserved by nature’s protection of plaque, lasted her very well.

  She it was who taught us that we must always sort out the edge and construct the frame of the puzzle first. This, she assured us, was the only correct procedure. Only once you had formed a complete rectangle (or, more rarely, a complete circle or oval) were you allowed to embark on filling it in.

  So strong was this directive that I experienced one of the most intense panics of my early life when I was asked to do a jigsaw with an incomplete edge. I remember the occasion with vivid humiliation. I must have been five or six years old, and my mother had taken me for an ‘interview’ at the Girls’ Public Day School Trust school in Sheffield, known as Sheffield Girls’ High, the junior department of which I was shortly to attend. I am not sure who was interviewing whom, but I was sent off to sit in a corner at a low, undignified, nursery table with a box with jigsaw pieces in it, and told to play with them. I must have regarded this as an intelligence test (a notion that my mother would have encouraged) because, while my mother and the Junior Head conversed, I struggled seriously with the task. It was impossible. The pieces were too large and easy for a child of my age, and some of the edge was missing. How could I be expected to tackle a baby jigsaw that was so incomplete? Was it a trick? I was indignant and confused. It was an intensely distressing quarter of an hour. I cannot remember whether or not I protested; if I did, my mother would have turned my protest into a story that went: ‘Margaret was so clever that she complained about the missing pieces.’ She was always telling everyone how clever I was. This made me much hated in some quarters. Even today, I get letters from women my own age telling me how much they hated me, even though they had never met me. They sometimes say they don’t hate me any more, but if so, why do they bother to tell me about it now?

  What I remember from this episode of the little Goldilocks table is the feeling of bewildered inadequacy, of knowing that I would never fit into this new school. I had loved my old village school in East Hardwick just outside Pontefract, where we lived as evacuees from Sheffield during the war. I had attended this school from the age of three and a half, travelling to it by bus with several other children, and I felt at home there. From the bus stop, just outside our house, Mr Turton would pick us up and drive us all to school. There were two classes, one for big children and one for little children, and I have not forgotten the two teachers, Miss Cooper and Miss Royston, though I have not seen them for well over sixty years. I fancy I can still see their grave and friendly maiden faces, their neat blouses, their coils of hair. Miss Cooper’s hair was brown, Miss Royston’s grey. I met a woman in Norwich recently who had been at this little school at the same time as me, and she reminded me of Mr Turton’s name, and of the brightly coloured pictures of Biblical scenes that Miss Cooper used to show us. I liked them very much. She also had some striking pictures of fields of tulips in Holland, tended by women in Dutch bonnets. They must have been part of a geography lesson. Teaching by pictures is a centuries-old tradition.

  I had liked East Hardwick, and I knew this new superior Sheffield school would be no good. I never liked it. It never liked me. I never fitted in.

  A child psychotherapist whom I consulted tells me that children who come from a disorganized, chaotic background may have difficulty in putting jigsaws together because they don’t know how to start with the frame. ‘They don’t seem to see the straight line round the edge of the jigsaw.’ That was not a problem from which I suffered.

  II

  We always started with the frame. Auntie Phyl taught my sisters and me how to pick out all the straight-edged pieces of jigsaw first, to find the corners, and to build up the four sides. Then we would begin to sort the colours, and to construct areas of the picture. Unlike some people, we did not have a set procedure for this stage of the puzzle, and we were never of the wilfully austere school that does not look at the picture on the box. Looking at the picture for us was part of the pleasure. Doing a jigsaw was not an intelligence test, or a personality assessment programme; it was a pursuit that lay somewhere between creation and imitation and discovery and reverie. And it was not, for us, a form of competition.

  As we progressed from easy children’s puzzles to more complicated adult puzzles (willow pattern plate, Dutch skating scenes, a Fra Angelico nativity, the birds of Britain) we would sometimes reach a stage when Auntie Phyl would say, ‘Well, I can’t see by the colours any more, we’ve done all the bright ones, so I’m going to have to go by the shapes now.’ (I have just reached that stage with Uccello’s The Hunt in the Forest from the Ashmolean; I’ve done all the bright-coated hunters, the horizontal leaping hounds and the vertical tree trunks, and am left with the brown canopy of foliage.)

  I don’t think that we ever did trick jigsaws, cut without identifiable edges. I have encountered them recently, in the course of research, and have found that they do indeed induce a mild degree of panic. But with Auntie Phyl, there was always the safety of the edge.

  I have another memory of early panic, this time connected with a maypole. I must have been very small as I was still at the East Hardwick school. I and a group of other children were taken by coach to a neighbouring village and issued with maypole ribbons of red and blue and white and asked to dance around a maypole with strange children from other schools. It must have been May Day, or was it a celebration of the end of the war? Nobody had rehearsed us or told us which way to go round, and we and the ribbons became hopelessly muddled and entangled as we all went in different and wrong directions. The teachers were cross and we were upset. I think what upset me most was the knowledge that the ribbons could and should have made a beautiful and intricate pattern, if we had been taught properly how to interweave them. Instead, there was this guilty muddle. I don’t think I was prematurely mourning the death of village life and rural England; I was simply distressed by the lack of clear direction. This, strangely, is my only unhappy memory of East Hardwick. It was a happy school, where I felt at home, where our days were a joy, and our paths through flowers.

  Children need order, and the knowledge that a problem can be resolved. I don’t know whether I, as a child, needed this more than most and, if so, why. But I suspect that my liking for jigsaws and my enduring affection for Auntie Phyl are connected with the fact that she was such a good teacher.

  At the very end of a large and difficult jigsaw, when there were just a few irregular bald patches left, Auntie Phyl might embark philosophically on the topic of ‘the missing piece’. For at this late stage in a puzzle’s life, it has become clear to all participants, sometimes over several nights of struggle, that certain pieces are, almost without question, missing. Sometimes there is one particular space, a distinct and obvious space, and the piece that should occupy the space cannot be found. If it could, it would have declared itself. The floor has been searched, and sometimes it is suggested that the bag of the vacuum cleaner be emptied. Occasionally pieces are retrieved by these methods, though often not the ones you are looking for. It is at this moment that Auntie Phyl might say, ‘Now’s the time when we could count the spaces, and see if we’ve got the right number of pieces left to fill them.’ This is always a cont
roversial moment, for the depression cast by an incontrovertibly missing and irrecoverable piece is considerable, so in a way it is as well to delay this disturbing realization for as long as possible. On the other hand, if you confront the problem, and bravely count the spaces, and find that you have the precise numbers to fit them, there is an increased satisfaction in staring at these recalcitrant remainders, knowing that, implausibly, impossibly, they will eventually be made to supply the gaps and complete the image.

  One of the strangest and most unsettling cognitive experiences of a difficult jigsaw (say, a Jackson Pollock) occurs when a piece that has eluded intensive search over hours and days and weeks suddenly makes itself known, and fits itself into its home. At once, the piece loses its profoundly unknown quality, and becomes so much a part of the pattern that within seconds you cannot remember where the gap was. What Freudian denial had concealed its identity for so long? Once it has been seen and placed, it is impossible to recall its previous invisibility.

  One night, while writing an early draft of this book, and in honour of Auntie Phyl, I took the risk and counted the last pieces of Henri Rousseau’s Tiger in a Tropical Storm (Surprised!) with which I was then engaged. There were thirty-two spaces left, and thirty-two pieces. They would have to go in. And they did, although I had difficulty in placing even the last four. I am not very good at jigsaws. That is one of the reasons why I like them so much. I had been working on this striped beast of the forests for months, albeit very intermittently, with a little help from my daughter Becky and other visitors, and I was pleased to finish it off, and to resume serious work on this book, in which I had hoped to explore the nature, satisfactions, history and imagery of this curious activity.